The Incident With The I.W.F.P.

Luxembourg Repairs
Rue Ravenstein, 23
City of Brussels, Belgium
2 507 82 00

Dear Ms. Rivers,
It has come to our attention that there have been several mistakes regarding your invoice. The Grand Hotel Central only charged you and the three other rooms booked under the International Women Fostering Positivity (I.W.F.P) $37.94 for six martini’s and four pay-per-view movies. It is my greatest regret to inform you that your bill is actually $752,493.78
In case this seems strange to you, I would like to take this opportunity to inform you and the 11 ½ other members of the I.W.F.P. of your behavior over your 27 hour stay:

6:30 P.M. October 26th 2004

I.W.F.P. group arrives. Due to their frequent movement and rampant requests I am unable to ascertain the total number of guests, it is either 11 or 12, no more, no less. Several seem to be visibly intoxicated, but remarkably aware of their surroundings. I help one woman named Isabelle, who introduces herself as the Czar of the I.W.F.P.

6:45 P.M. October 26th, 2004

A woman, who when asked to identify herself, only offers a jagged sketch of a muskrat on a tattered and stained napkin, requests all three rooms the I.W.F.P. booked be upgraded to the platinum suites. I inform her of the surcharge, which was $20,000, and she pays in cash.

6:54 P.M. October 26th, 2004

A special request is made for seven cases of vodka, and 30 “Loopy Lizzies”. I decline the request, but for a woman named Daniella, who comes to the concierge desk with twelve thousand English pounds in hand. She tells me to do whatever it takes to get the Loppy Lizzies and I should keep the change.

7:42 P.M. October 26th, 2004

I return to the Grand Hotel Central and run the deliveries to the platinum suites. Upon entering the middle room I am appalled to see there are no longer any walls separating the three rooms. I am again flustered with requests and demands and am forced to leave in fear of being brutally wounded by one of the many blow-darts being shot. I try to count the number of guests, but I cannot determine whether the number is 11 or 12, but it is no more, no less.

9:45 P.M. October 26th, 2004

Room service is requested, and Walter, our bellhop of forty years goes missing after he runs the 14-table convoy of dinner tables up to the suites.

2:46 A.M. October 27th, 2004

A young man from the street comes in with shards of glass strewn about his clothes. He said that a group of, “Witches” threw several bottles of expensive vodka and strawberries at him. Fearing for my wellbeing and still searching for the whereabouts of Walter, I send him off.

7:30 A.M. October 27th, 2004

The women of the I.W.F.P. are among the first guests to arrive at breakfast and make rash comments regarding the service our waiters provide. One waiter, George, is stabbed with a fork by the woman with no name. He was and still is hospitalized.


Note: The next several hours are a rush of chaos and turmoil at the Grand Hotel Central. A neighbor reports to Interpol that there are no more windows along the top floor of our hotel. As I go up to confront the women of the I.W.F.P. I hear a ritualistic chant, followed by screams, and a thunderous thwack. Thwarted, I run back to the desk where there are several officials prying me for answers.


Unfortunately the Grand Hotel Central cannot disclose the happenings of the remaining hours of the I.W.F.P.’s stay, for it is classified and currently under investigation. Enclosed is a 30 page document guaranteeing our claims and the labor fees for the repairs made. If payment is made, we at the Grand Hotel Central and Luxembourg Repairs will never contact you again, in return for the known whereabouts of our dear friend Walter.

Thank you,
The Management.